Neilosophy

What's in your wallet?

2012-01-25T11:00:00.001-05:00

If there's one thing in this world that drives me insane, and believe me, there are a lot of things that drive me insane, but if I had to choose one thing that's been bothering me of late I would probably go with taxes.

Imagine if each year, a portion of your salary was donated to charity. Only you didn't get to choose how much, which charity it went to or how the funds were allocated.

Now, imagine if people who donated far less money than you started to raise a stink because you should be donating more money than you already are.

That, in a nutshell, is what's happening with our most recent battle on class warfare.

By no means am I supporter of Mitt Romney, but when someone pays in the ballpark of $3,000,000 in taxes and those who pay approximately $3,000 in taxes, if they paid anything at all, are complaining that he didn't pay enough, something is wrong.

Call me crazy, but shouldn't the question be why isn't $3,000,000 enough rather than why is it considered too little?

Feel free to discuss in the comments section...

(Don't) Vote or Die

2011-11-08T10:11:00.000-05:00

Ah, Election Day...

A day when millions of Americans will head to the polls and vote Democrat or Republican, not because they did their research and determined who the right man (or woman) for the job is, but simply because the candidate is a member of "their" party.

And you wonder how crooked and inept politicians are elected into office?

Given all the talk about acceptance and trying to end bullying, homophobia, racism, and sexism, we're somehow perfectly okay with being ignorant and close-minded about the one thing that effects all of us.

Our country.

Regardless of whether you vote Democrat or Republican, at least do your homework and have a justifiable reason for doing so.

Otherwise don't bother voting.

You're certainly not doing us any favors.

In defense of Kim Kardashian...

2011-11-02T10:32:00.000-04:00

I can honestly say that a show featuring Kim Kardashian has never graced my television screen.

I've never read a magazine with her on the cover and I don't click on links about her love life.

I never even saw her sex tape.

Honestly!

But people do watch her TV shows. They read the internet and magazine articles about her and they talk about her with their friends and coworkers.

That's why she is able to make millions of dollars despite having no real talent to speak of.

We are a market economy and prices are dictated by we, the consumer.

If you think Kim Kardashian is a no-talent bimbo who doesn't deserve a penny, then don't watch, read, or talk about her.

Don't be mad at Kim Kardashian because she made millions off of a wedding that didn't last three months. Networks like E! paid her good money because they knew ratings would be strong enough to justify the price tag.

People often bring up the argument that Alex Rodriguez shouldn't be paid nearly $30 million a year to hit a baseball while a teacher makes pennies on the dollar in comparison to educate America's youth.

You know what? When millions of people start paying good money to cram into a stadium or gather around their television to watch a teacher teach, then they'll be making Kim Kardashian and A-Rod money.

Until then, don't be mad at the system.

You are the system.

Trick or Treat...

2011-10-31T11:02:00.000-04:00

Is there a more outdated concept than trick or treating?

Nowadays, you would have to be out of your mind to let your child walk alone from house to house trying to get candy from strangers.

I'm not sure which is more exciting for a pedophile, Halloween or a Gerber commercial.

Although, in this day and age of entitlement, perhaps the idea of children just sticking their hand out and expecting something could not be more fitting.

But if your child needs free candy that badly, (and judging by the obesity problem in this country, they probably don't), take them to the mall or to a strip of stores or something.

Just don't knock on my door, because I won't be answering.

Cry me a river...

2011-10-26T10:13:00.003-04:00

All of this anti-bullying propaganda is making me pro-bullying.

Whatever happened to sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never harm me?

What happened is we've become far too concerned with telling people what they can't do rather than telling them what they can do.

Which, oddly enough, could be considered a form of bullying.

Who do you think had it tougher...Frederick Douglass, who grew up a child slave in the South and had to illegally teach himself how to read & write, or some fat-titted little boy in Oklahoma who gets teased by his classmates?

Who do you think had it tougher...Mariano Rivera, who grew up in the slums of Panama and was so poor he had to use a baseball glove made from a milk carton, or some herb with glasses in New Hampshire with a few nasty wall posts on his Facebook account?

Frederick Douglass went on to become one of the greatest thinkers of his time. Mariano Rivera went on to become one of the greatest pitchers in the history of baseball.

But keep telling tubby and four-eyes how tough they have it and that others are keeping them down, rather than telling them to be strong and not care about what others think. Tell them to point their fingers and blame the others for the hand they were dealt, rather than using it as motivation to better themselves.

I'm sure that will work out well for them in the future.

Doing the dirty (laundry)

2011-10-12T10:00:00.001-04:00

As I grow older and think about the woman who I'm going to eventually divorce, it becomes harder and harder to find the future Mrs. Neil.

The bar used to be a pretty reliable source but nowadays I find any woman willing to go home with me to be a bit of a turnoff.

Not to mention, those women tend to be a lot less good looking when you're sober.

Anyway, I was doing laundry last night when it occurred to me that the laundromat just might be a valuable resource.

If you're ~~a creep like me~~ observant enough, you can learn a lot about the lady next to you.

While anyone can dress to impress at a bar, a looksie through her dirty laundry gives you an idea of how she dresses on a daily basis.

If she wears a little leopard print once for a night on the town, that's fine, but no one wants to date a missing character from the "Lion King."

A good peak through her panties also lets you know if she's seeing anyone or has a kid.

Thongs = Good

Tighty whities & Spiderman underoos = Bad

You're not going to learn everything about her though so eventually you do have to talk to them.

Just keep it clean. And show her your gentle cycle.

They like that.

Talk about getting a raise...

2011-10-07T10:21:00.002-04:00

I've often thought that men and women are entirely different species.

The differences can be summed up entirely with one controversial topic: sexual harassment in the workplace.

You often hear the plight of females and what they have to endure to climb the corporate ladder. They shudder at the thought of sexual advances and having to sleep their way to the top.

As a guy?

This sounds fantastic!

You mean I get to have sex AND get a promotion?

Talk about getting a raise...

Can you hear me now? Good!

2011-10-06T10:18:00.004-04:00

A trip to the cell phone store has become as dreadful an experience as going to the doctor.

Much like going to the doctor, just know in advance that your insurance plan is going to cover absolutely nothing.

The internet is always a decent alternative to see what ails you (or your phone) but it isn't always the most reliable.

Shit, thanks to WebMD, I discovered that my phone had water in it.

Or cancer.

But I digress...

Much like going to the doctor and being lectured about your diet and exercise regimen, be prepared for the sales rep to make you feel like shit for not updating your software or overcharging your battery.

My Blackberry has been suffering from a bad trackwheel for months, and I've been due for an upgrade since March, but I just can't bring myself to deal with the cell phone store experience.

Whatever, I've needed elbow surgery since I was 12 and I make due.

I probably just have water in it.

The Great Outdoors

2011-05-08T19:51:00.007-04:00

There's a lot of peer pressure out there...drugs, alcohol, cigarettes.

But there's no worse peer pressure than a nice day.

"Oh, it's so nice out. Who wants to sit inside?"

You know who wants to sit inside? I do.

You know why? Because it's always a nice inside.

How about showing a little loyalty to the place that's always there for you when it isn't so nice out?

People love to mention the fact that when they were younger, they were constantly outside playing with their friends.

When they were younger, they also didn't have the internet, video games or thousands of cable channels at their disposal.

I got the internet when I was 13 years old and it was love at first sight.

Whether you like it or not, with evolution and innovation come change.

There used to be a time when you would have to go outside and drop a deuce in a wooden box. Now, we just go into the bathroom and take care of business on a toilet.

I don't see anyone pining for the great outdoors then.

So you can have your green grass and your sunshine. If anyone needs me, I'll be on my couch.

Tomorrow

2011-04-25T12:59:00.000-04:00

As an atheist, I've got nothing.

As a procrastinator, I've got Tomorrow.

As an atheist, there's nothing to "believe" in.

As a procrastinator, Tomorrow gives me all the belief I need.

When will I start to eat right and begin working out again? Tomorrow.

When will I straighten up my apartment? Tomorrow.

When will I have a beer? Tonight.

After all, it's not like I'm an orthodox procrastinator.

With yesterday being Easter, it made me realize just how big of a deal religion is to so many people.

Stores were closed. People wore stupid-looking hats.

But you can have Jesus, Moses, Buddha, or whoever else you believe in, because I've got Tomorrow.

Tomorrow, as a procrastinator, gives me all the answers I need.

You stupid...

2011-04-07T09:08:00.004-04:00

You ever find yourself asking yourself, "how stupid can people be?"

Well, I'm about to tell you just how stupid they can be.

I was reading the directions on the back of a Febreeze bottle last night when it occurred to me that there are people out there so stupid, that products like Febreeze are required to say the most basic things imaginable on the back of every bottle.

My comments are in italics...

The first section listed on the back of the bottle is titled, "DIRECTIONS."

Let's stop right there.

Have you, at any point in your life, ever looked at a spray bottle and said, "how do I do this?"

"Hold can upright, pull trigger back," it starts off.

So that's how you do it?

"and spray the air in a sweeping motion throughout the entire room."

Anyone who doesn't know to hold the can upright and pull the trigger back probably can't spell the word "throughout."

The INGREDIENTS state that Febreeze contains no CFCs and no Phosphates.

That's probably a good thing.

"CAUTION: Intentional misuse by deliberately concentrating and inhaling the contents can be harmful or fatal."

Don't spray too much of this stuff...it can kill you.

"Some hard surfaces may become damp when sprayed. Avoid slips or falls."

You mean, dry stuff gets wet when when stuff hits it?

"KEEP OUT OF REACH FROM CHILDREN. Do not spray toward face."

After all, this stuff can kill you.

My point is, there are people out there so stupid that they don't even know how to spray a bottle. There are people out there so stupid that they inhaled too much Febreeze. There are people out there so stupid that they slipped and fell because they sprayed Febreeze in the air. There are people out there so stupid that they sprayed Febreeze in their face. And it probably killed them.

That, my friends, is how stupid people can be.

Wind-ho Shopping

2011-03-15T10:46:00.002-04:00

I like to consider myself something of a people watcher.

Basically, that's a nice way of saying I'm a creep who stares at women and then looks the other way when we make eye contact.

But I digress.

Anyway, I went to Filene's last night to kill some time while I was doing laundry when it occurred to me that the quality of women that shop there, and at other department stores, generally equals the quality of merchandise at said store.

Without further adieu, I give to you a breakdown of department stores and the women who shop there.

-You Get What You Pay For

Filene's, Marshall's, TJ Maxx

While there is the occasional good find, the women, like the clothing, are often defective or available at a low cost for a reason.

-More Bang For Your Buck

Target

Don't sleep on the quality or quality of women at Club Target.

Their affordable prices on stuff for the home brings in a good mix of hot mommies and college ladies.

If hot chocolate is your thing, they have quite the selection.

And I ain't talkin' 'bout the drank.

-How Much Is That Girlie In the Window?

Bloomingdales, Nordstrom, Macy's

Ol' reliable. Your go-to source for women and fashion.

-Million Dollar Babies

Nieman Marcus, Saks Fifth Avenue

You'll need a Louis Vuitton condom to sleep with the ladies that shop here, and if any places sell them, these would be them. Both the women and the clothing are probably out of your price range but they're still fun to look at and imagine what if.

Oh Baby (wipes)

2011-03-09T08:39:00.002-05:00

At the risk of losing my street cred, I'm a big advocate of baby wipes.

Nothing against toilet paper but you don't call in a boy to do a man's job.

'Nah mean?

Anyway...

So I'm at Rite Aid last night, with baby wipes in hand, when I see a lovely young lady get in line in front of me.

We made eye contact so I thought about striking up a conversation with her and saying something romantic like, "'Sup bitch?" but I decided not to.

After all, what kills the mood more than baby wipes?

Either I'm going home to my kid or about to drop a deuce.

The lesson? Forget about condoms, the best form of birth control is purchasing baby wipes.

Women's Day: In Perspective

2011-03-08T11:29:00.001-05:00

Ahhh, Women's Day.

What...you didn't know it was Women's Day today?

Well then, you must be just as surprised as I am that children have school. Or that banks and the post office are still operating.

Have you ever seen the way they dominate on the basketball court? They can hit layups with the best of 'em!

Hell, I'm surprised women in this country don't get an entire month to celebrate their achievements!

What? They already have one?

Contrary to popular belief, I don't hate women.

I happen to hope to get divorced from one someday.

But enough with the holidays already.

Tell me...when do we celebrate Scientists' Day? Or Firemen's Day?

We don't.

While these days are meant to "honor" the accomplishments of women in this country and around the world, they do nothing but build resentment and cause separation.

We're supposed to be in this thing together. People will respect you and your achievements a whole lot more if you take care of business and act like it is the standard and not the exception.

If you want to do something worthy of having your own day, try bringing together a nation like Dr. Martin Luther King.

Or try slaughtering a bunch of people and steal their land like Christopher Columbus.

Charlie Sheen = #losing

2011-03-06T15:45:00.011-05:00

As an old boss of mine used to say, if you walked into the office one day and saw Jennifer Lopez sitting naked on your desk, you wouldn't get much work done.

But if she were there everyday, you'd grow quite accustomed to it and after a while you would just say, "Oh, hey J-Lo," and go about your business.

Charlie Sheen is about to become the proverbial naked Jennifer Lopez.

Or something like that.

Give the man credit though. He is arguably the first celebrity who truly figured out how to manipulate the internet.

For the past week, his videos were all the rage on YouTube and people couldn't share them fast enough on Facebook.

Upon joining Twitter, he became the first user ever to gain over one million followers in just 24 hours.

And could there be a more fitting word than "followers?"

Everyone and their mother spent the past week talking about Sheen or the using the phrases "winning" and "tiger blood."

But now the ball is back in Charlie Sheen's court. He needs to strike while the iron is hot or risk becoming yesterday's news.

Where does he go from here?

On Friday, he tried coining a new term, "earn yourself," which went over about as well as a fart in church. The phrase failed to catch on and was swept under the rug.

On Saturday, Charlie Sheen unveiled a streaming broadcast on Ustream which had over 1.2 million viewers (both recorded and live). The show was terribly unorganized, had little direction and seemed to do nothing more than give his entourage some face time. To make matters worse, it was just a rehash of everything we have already seen and heard.

The problem with acting crazy is that Sheen has set the bar outrageously high. What can he possibly do to top his antics of the past week?

He and his team need to not only come up with something to keep the momentum going, but they need to come up with a strategy so that the attention doesn't go for naught. In the age of the internet, we tend to tire of things quickly.

Sheen in talks with HDNet about a possible program but going from a major broadcast network to a cable channel that most people don't know exists could hardly be considered winning.

As a society, we often confuse popularity with success.

We've already seen you naked, Chuck. Now what?